Haha.  Obviously I did not get very far in terms of my vows of updating.  WHATEVER!    Rather than try to catch you all up on a semester of my life, I suppose I'll just begin anew.

I'm staying in Tucson this summer.  As of yet, I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Of course, my dream was to be marching Vanguard A-corps this summer, but that didn't happen.  After quite a bit of thought, I vowed to march somewhere - anywhere - but here I am not marching.  I was a "temporary" member of The Academy, but for some reason, the corps just didn't sit well with me.  I don't know if the feeling of the discontent stems from my infatuation with SCV or if Academy just wasn't right for me.  Irregardless, marching fell through and now my summer plans include working and taking a couple of classes.

The last couple of weeks haven't been great...just finals stress and friends leaving and figuring out financial situations.  Life in general, I suppose.  My grades this semester have been less than stellar - hey, I just call it the sophomore slump, eh?!    Bryan left on Monday for the Cadets, and that was super sad.  I won't see him again until Matt, Amy, and I fly out to Boston for DCI Finals in mid-August.  Amy takes off this weekend for England, and Matt leaves next week for Academy.  That leaves J all alone in Tucson with nothing but the rec for company.  No no, it's not that bad.  I am viewing this summer as my summer of independence, of getting to know myself more intimately and taking even more time to appreciate my life.  I am hoping that I will build some new, strong relationships with other people and perhaps even expand my circle of best friends.

That's the small talk of my life...I don't know why everytime I get onto Xanga I feel that it's necessary to provide such information, but I do.  Onto other things...

Currently Playing Get Back, Pt. 1 By Ludacris see related

I am the biggest Xanga slacker EVER!!!!  EVER!!  In the whole face of the world!   January 22?!   Who the f--- do I think I am?!?  Someone people aren't interested in?!  Of COURSE everyone is interested in my life, and here I've been letting down the masses...sigh.    I swear to God I'm updating tomorrow, but my goal tonight is to get to bed by 11, and updating a Xanga is not conclusive to such goals.

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

-Veronica Shoffstall

Currently Playing Under the Table & Dreaming By Dave Matthews Band see related

Okay okay, so I am officially a Xanga slacker!  Hey, it just shows that I have better things to do with my life...ummm..right. 

It's raining outside right now.  A slight, small drizzle so fine that you can just taste it when you breathe in, and it cleanses the air just enough so you can smell the desert.  Although it's not a monsoon rain (my absolute favorite), it kind of feels like one, due to the inordinately warm temperatures of the past week.  It seems whenever I post to my Xanga, there is some event or condition that puts me in a certain mindset...for example, the rain brings out my philosophical nature!  Due to the fact that I go so long between posts, however, I am continually faced with this problem: do I write about the fantastically mundane doings of my everyday life, or do I attempt to prod at the matters that plague my mind?  Perhaps a bit of both.

The semester has gotten off to a quick start, if only for the reason that it already feels like I've been in school for weeks.  My class schedule is eventually going to kill me, but for the time being, I'm surviving by snacking on trail mix and drawing endless stars on the margins of my notebooks.  I've managed to secure an on-campus job.  If boring, at least it's some sort of income, and they seem pretty flexible.  I'm working in the Human Resources department, more specifically, the branch of HR dealing with "Employee Services and Benefits" (ie: benefit packages, retirement plans, deferred comps, etc.).  It's okay for the moment, but I know that as soon as spring hits, I'll be going stir-crazy.  For the last three semesters, I've spent all of my afternoons outside - studying, reading, swimming, lounging, at band.  Every day.  This will be the first time in my college career that I'm not able to enjoy the beautiful Tucson weather when I get out of class.  I think that I am going to miss the luxury of being able to lay on the grass and stare at the passing clouds.

Since my return to Tucson, I've been faced with some pretty big challenges in terms of soul-searching, among other things.  Actually - I'm still sorting through most of it.  I am just terrified that I am turning into someone that I don't want to be.  I'm pulling all of the old crap that I used to do, and I know that often times my actions are merely setting me farther back from my goals, but it's sort of self-sadistic: I can't seem to stop.  I'm growing up, that's for sure, but let me be the first to tell you...it's not always a fun process.  As I sit here and laugh slightly cynically, it's odd to think about how quickly life can turn you upside down and shake you around.  Four weeks ago, I was on top the world.  I don't think anything could have brought me down.  To my eyes, even if they were covered in a haze of disillusionment, my life was perfect.  Self-assured, confident, joyful, and most of all, happy.  In a mere instant - and I am not one to say how or when or even why such instances occur - your life can be going in a completly different direction.  Mine seems to be, and that's what gets me.  It is not bad, not at all.  All of sudden, though, I'm standing on uneven ground again, my feet can't find a grip, my hands are shaking, my stomach is tied up in knots, and I can't stop worrying.

And that is the key.  I need to stop worrying.  Life does not wait for me.  It does not relent in it's endless march forward, and whether or not I like it, I seem to be along for the ride, unless I want to get lost in unattainable dreams.  Looking backwards does nothing to ensure that I will find my footing in the future.  Who am I to say that in four minutes, four hours, four days, or weeks, or months, or years, my life will not be in another completely new, and unexpected place?  Whether or not that place is better or worse - well, I guess that is something that I will have to discover on my own.  All I can do is hope that you will be with me for that journey...and if you're not.  Well, that's okay.  I will shrug, smile, and hug you as hard as an eternity will allow.  And if you are?  I will grab your hand, fingers intertwined, face to the breeze, and go vigourously into the rest of my life.

Currently Playing Songs About Jane By Maroon 5 see related

And you may not know
That may be all I need..

Sometimes I wonder if life is nothing more than an elaborate game of charades.  I mean, if you really examine it, the classic game of charades covers most everything - household items, common activities, relationships to other people, and extreme emotion.  Joy and excitement, or even sorrow and grief, can be acted out at the drop of a hat - it's simply a matter of facial expression.  After a few interesting conversations today, and a little bit of self-contemplation, I have to wonder: are we all just actors in the charade of life?

Instinctively, I must say no.  I've taught myself to believe that everyone in the world is sincere - that what I see is what I get.  That things can usually be taken at face value, and of course, one must read into the situation, gaze between the lines, but that common sense, good morals, and an uplifting view of the world will guide you on your quest to find the truth.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think that issues or relationships or anything at all in the world is simply black and white - there is usually quite a bit of gray matter.  But I have always thought that I was confident enough in myself and the people around me to know that life had a higher purpose than striving to impress or amass material objects or sleep with the most people or have the best parties.  Perhaps I've played the fool.

As disconsolate as it makes me, maybe we are all just seasoned performers, acting our way through the world.  Pretending to be someone we're not, hoping that no one notices the way our hearts jump to our throats when we flub a line or miss a cue.  It's not that far-fetched of an idea - I see it everyday.  Have you ever noticed how gossip begins?  Someone will sidle up to a supposed friend, all the while pretending to like that person, performing for the group of catty high school girls or fellow employees or whomever may be watching out of the corner of their eye, only to get the latest updates on the dramatic situation brewing.  Moments later, that person moves into the next scene, changing costumes in the meantime, to spread the juicy details with the rest of the cast.  And if this world, this life, this moment, is not an elaborately-staged play, than it could most definitely pass for that ill-reputed game of charades.  I sit here and watch as the other players pass off one feeling, one emotion...and it's working...I'm drawn in.  I believe in it, I can feel it.  Even though I know it's just a game, I can't help but wonder if this is the way they really feel, if the action has jumped off the little white card and actually manifested itself upon that person, transforming them.  An instant later, the game's up, the correct guess over there won, and we are onto another little white card, and they sit down. 

If I had perpetual turns at charades, I think I would be a quick loser or an easy guess.  I can't seem to act beyond who I actaully am, beyond what I truly feel.  Damn, I suck at this game!  Lucky for us, my turn in the spotlight ends quickly and I can again quietly sit and watch and wait for them to pack it up, put it away, call out that "the pizza has arrived" and we all happily return to my realities.  Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that while there are a few of us who are not very good actors or just don't enjoy playing, the majority of the world might be in on this whole charades thing, and if that's the case...well, I think I'm outta luck.

Other than poking a finger into the haze of my disillusionment, I'm having a fabulous time here in Prescott.  For the past day, I haven't done much more than hang out with my parents or entertain myself, but I'm getting a lot out of it.  It snowed pretty much all day, there is 3 or 4 inches outside right now, and we are supposedly supposed to get more.  The snow makes me really happy.  It just doesn't feel like winter without snow.  Better yet, it gives me an excuse to really bundle up, and to drink coffee all day.  I think out of everything, when I head back down to Tucson this weekend, I'm going to miss the snow and the wintry atmosphere the most.  Today was great, I simply watched the flakes lazily drift down, and I read a book.  Then I painted my toenails!  What else could a girl want?!  (Well, actually, a lot of things..)

I suppose now I'm off to bed..time to get my beauty rest so I can..hmm..impress my mechanic tomorrow when I take my car in to get fixed!  No no, time to go off to bed so I can feel my heart soften, so I can pray for the grace to accept things that I cannot change, time to dream sweet dreams, and hope that my soon-to-be snow angels will redeem me and think about how blessed I am to have four magnificent people around who care about me.  MF, MV, AB, and BH...you mean the world to me.  Remember that.

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?